Part 2 (Kevin Dustow)
In the last blog I wrote how I am having to change much of my thinking that I had been indoctrinated with over decades of being a Christian. It has been and still is a difficult journey for me to date.
Have you ever been entangled in something like rope? Have you ever tried to untangle a ball of string? That is what is happening to me now. There is guilt, there is confusion and there is disappointment. There is also a freedom I am experiencing as I am being set free by God.
The last 10 years I have been in a cult (Christian) and while there experienced some brain washing which made me do things I now regret and have apologised to the individuals who were affected by what I said and did. I look back and think “what did I do?” but having got out of the situation my eyes are now clear and the deception has gone.
Because I was programmed from a young boy to think and act in a certain way that is all I knew but through the de programming God is doing in me I am slowly changing.
In my early days I was in a Church that was very hard and judgemental on people when they sinned. Being hard on sin is very good but there is a process to go through. I never saw any love, restoration, forgiveness or grace in the Church. Later when I and my family dared to question a certain belief in the Church, we too experienced the lack of love, the judgemental attitudes, the coldness and stubbornness. They were doing what they thought was right and left us all to fend for ourselves with no sympathy, kindness, love or understanding. It caused devastation. Due to me being “kicked out” of the cult, I have lost my marriage, my daughter and three grandchildren. God, people close to me and my remaining family have more than made up for the loss but the de programming process has been speeding up.
So, what am I learning?
I have had to reevaluate many things including my beliefs, my attitude and my thinking towards the Church and other people.
I have had to put right the wrongs I have done by hurting people thinking I was right.
I have had to study the Bible with an open mind seeking out the truth, not believing everything I have heard.
I have had to repent to God for my failings. I have felt like Paul when he was supporting the stoning of Stephen and not speaking out about it. He did not know anything better and neither did I. I now only accept what God thinks about me, not others opinion on whether I am on track or not. That is part of being de programmed.
I am also experiencing the blessings of God. I am seeing him do amazing miracles in my life. I am seeing things happen in my relationship with my two sons and my brothers and sisters. I am feeling free after a very long time. Being a church leader, or worker or Pastor does not make you free. It is hearing God and accepting what is happening as being part of his way of getting you out of a situation or making you free again.
That is what happens in the de programming challenge. You feel guilt, you feel confused, your eyes become wide open and the next step of what to do becomes difficult. On the other side you suddenly find out there are people just like you. There are people who have moved from being de programmed to finding freedom. They have completed the journey I have just started. They encourage me. I gain strength from them.
In the next blog, I will be writing about areas I have been de programmed from. I know that some of you will be struggling in these areas too.
To let you into a little secret the topic will be “Do I have to attend Church?” Remember this is my journey and you may disagree with what I have to say. So be it, but I think you will find it challenging and it may spark an interest in you.
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