My continuing Journey.   

                                    Overcoming Guilt.

Recently seen on a tee shirt: “If you bring up my past you should know that Jesus dropped the charges”.

Since coming out of the “cult” almost two years ago I have been dealing with guilt. Sometimes I overcome it but then it comes back.

When I left the “cult” I was sent correspondence from them detailing what I had done during my life time. I received pages and pages of accusations. One was 25 pages long. There were accusations on how I treated people, how I mistreated family members, what I had done in my marriage. I was devastated because 98 percent were completely untrue. I searched myself continually trying to recall anything but I could not and anything I did recall had been repented of previously both to God and the people involved. The “cult” was using this to destroy me and it was evil. One was sent to me twice. Thankfully what helped me were people including family members who knew the whole story and could ratify the lies that were being told. But I was being hit by what was happening although not sunk. I had apologised for the things that were true but this had been conveniently forgotten and ignored by my accusers who called themselves Christian. I had repented before God for the things I had done but I was told that it was not “true repentance.” I had been told by the “cult” that I was “going to Hell”.  It was eating away at me.

I know there are some reading this who have been or are going through the same thing. “Guilt.” Others from the “cult” who have been forced out like myself have contacted me and the pattern is the same. I knew that I had to “dig deep” and not allow “guilt” to destroy me. But how was this possible?

I want to share with you, not for the sympathy vote because I am past that, but to show how I am slowly overcoming this guilt. I think I am almost there although the past tries to raise its ugly head often. What I say has a conclusion which is the most important key and which, if you receive it, will help you overcome.

Once out of the “cult” I began to recall the many people I had hurt while I was in leadership and later under the leadership of that group. I had been cruel in my actions and my correspondence to them. Some was done out of fear and some was done out of supporting the leadership which I felt was my duty. (That is what happens when you are getting brainwashed.) I had a lot of guilt toward what I had done. These were good friends who I had turned on or ignored. The only way I could get rid of that guilt was to personally contact then and apologise and admit my wrong doing. I have now done that and they have been very gracious in their understanding and forgiveness. I am now again good friends with them although I am sure they still have scars remaining.

I felt guilt for some of the things I had said or done to family and relatives. I have put that right and they have also graciously forgiven me. Those still in the “cult” have never accepted my apologizes when I felt it was warranted but at least I did what I needed to do. This has helped me deal with the guilt.

I have repented to God for my actions in the past and then remembered the verse in Romans 8v1 “there is now no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus who now walk in Gods ways.” God knew my heart and forgave me. He has not only forgiven me but actually forgotten what I have done. In other words, he does not hold it against me. I no longer feel that guilt before God.

I found that in my heart if I forgave those that wronged me, then that would give me freedom. I have done it verbally and whether it was accepted or not is not my problem. If I cannot do it verbally for various reasons, I have spoken it to my heart and found a freedom in that.

This brings me to my last point.

I am no longer responsible for what people think of me. I am responsible to God. It is how he thinks of me that is the most important. How people think of me is now irrelevant. If they want to believe the lies and gossip that is their problem. If they do not want to forgive that is their problem. I am answerable to God. This is not being proud. It is a way of protecting myself.

This has brought me freedom. Does guilt still pop up in my mind? Yes, but I continually remind myself that I have done all I can to put it right with other people but especially to God and that matters most to me. People are now commenting on the change they can see in me. Several years ago, while I was still in the cult one of my boys said “we want the old Dad back.” In my pride I said “that won’t be happening.” Well now the “old Dad” is back with a few improvements.

This is my journey about guilt. Have I been a saint for the past 70 years? No. Could I have done things better? Yes. Have I hurt people? Yes, but that was the past which I have dealt with. God knows my heart and I know he is happy. If others take a different view there is nothing, I can do about it.

When guilt does come up, I remind myself of the above points and I can move forward not allowing it to have an effect on me anymore.

Remember you can overcome too. It may take humility, courage and some heartache but it can be done as I have experienced. When the arrows of guilt are fired at me some of them still get through but it is easier to deal with  than before. You will succeed. Stop beating yourself up. It will take time but you will get victory over guilt that has been there for a long time. It will take effort but I hope what I have written will be a help to you and lead you into freedom for the future. Take the small steps now and soon you will be breaking out into a sprint.

Let me repeat what I said at the beginning of this blog:

“If you bring up my past you should know that Jesus dropped the charges”.