This is a continuation of my journey.

How would you describe yourself? What is your personality? Have you ever become someone who you really aren’t? It is difficult isn’t it? Is this how you have always been or have things changed? Sometimes change is forced upon us and can be quite uncomfortable. We all have different personalities. Some are sensitive; others are not. Some speak straight others don’t. Some are shy while others are outgoing. When we move away from who we really are, it can have an effect on us. It can cause stress, pent up emotions, cause us to react in ways we don’t want to. Our circumstances can change us. A person may go into a relationship full of joy and hope but because of the way they are treated they can become damaged and change to a unhappy miserable person. I have been changed because of church, family, circumstances and situations and in most cases it has not been for the good. I lost “being myself”.

My father was a Policeman. I always knew him as a good man but authoritative, made quick decisions, was straight up and down in his beliefs and was decisive. As a father I found him excellent and we knew he would protect us and love us. That is how I knew him. He was in the police for over 30 years then retired. I was living in Japan but the first time I did return home for a short period after he had retired I noticed a big difference. In my eyes he had become weak and a push over. Not the Dad I knew. I said something to him which I regret to this day. I said “you have become a wimp.” My mother took me aside and said “what you see is your real father.” Being in the police had made him a different person. He had seen horrific things, had to deal with the scum of the earth on a daily basis and this changed him. All my life I had not seen my real dad until that day.

Here are several examples from my journey.

When I was 22 years old, I went to Japan as a missionary. It was the best time of my life but also difficult. Adapting to the culture was hard but I loved it as the Japanese culture is pure and respectful. It was necessary for me to adapt and although I could be myself there were things that I had to change. But the main changes where I felt the most uncomfortable about and at times stressed was having to conform to others back in New Zealand. Let me explain. We went to Japan by faith which means we did not have a certain amount of money coming in every month. We had to rely on God to put on people’s hearts to give us support or we had to rely on God to give us English teaching jobs to help us survive. Even though people gave money to us under the auspicious that they were giving to God it wasn’t that way in a lot of cases. They expected us to be responsible to them (not God) in how we used it. Once we wanted to have a holiday but was told “you are not to use our money for that purpose”. Another time we needed a refridgerator but were critisized for using “Gods money.”  I am an independent person but I had to obey the churches or people that sent us money because I was afraid if I stepped out of line their support of us would stop. I had to become what I was not. Yes looking back I was hypocritical  but had to become that way. I was afraid.

I enjoy telling stories in my preaching but when we would return to New Zealand for a short break and I spoke at certain churches I was told to just “preach the Word” without any frills.I like giving illustrations and personal testimony when preaching but had to alter that to “please” the churches I was visiting. That was frustrating. Back in the day the churches I associated with used the King James Version Bible only. ( most thought that was the version Paul used even though the Bible had not been written and Paul did not understand English) We had to use the “thee and thou’s” when praying. After being in Japan for three years we returned home for a number of months to refresh ( didn’t get much of that) and I had to go around the churches speaking and talking about Japan. The problem was that for 3 years I had never used or read the KJV Bible. I had moved on and couldn’t understand it at all. When I prayed the thee and thou’s  they had gone from my vocabulary and it was a foreign language to me but I had to try and use these words for fear I might “offend” those churches. If I did not conform they would stop supporting us. I lost my independence, I lost my confidence and was becoming a different person to what I really was.

In recent times the church I attended became a cult and I began changing even more. I became very judgemental of people( after two years out of it I have reconciled with those I judged.) I lost confidence in preaching because after each sermon there would be at least one person who took issue with my presentation or stories I told. (These would be very acceptable in any other church.) I stopped preaching. I stepped down from leadership because of all the scrutiny I was under. I was a born leader but this was taken away. I became a recluse because whenever I talked to someone in the congregation the leadership would go to those people and asked them what I had said. I was told by the pastors that if someone asked me about “end times” I was not to reply but refer them to the pastors for an answer.

One day after church myself and a group of people were laughing and joking about the woman’s role in the church. It was done in fun. I told an old joke “do you know that there will be no women in Heaven because the Bible says in Revelation that there will be “silence for thirty minutes.” Everyone accepted it as funny but one person who wasn’t even a part of the conversation overheard and went to the pastors saying that they “were sure” someone had been offended by my joke. I was summoned and ordered to ring everyone up and apologize for what I had said. All of them said that they knew it was a joke and they were not offended. I am a people’s person but I changed and didn’t talk to anyone after that.  Talking to people who have also been kicked out of the cult said  they noticed I had changed and wondered why. Now they know.

All thru that time I wanted to be the “real” Kevin and be myself but I couldn’t. It was like being in a dark hole and not being able to escape.

After being kicked out of the “cult” just over two years ago I have begun to find myself. People have commented how I have changed. I have noticed it too. I am free and have no stress. I am me and it feels good.

So, how does this relate to those of you reading this? Some of you may be caught up in the “church” system or as you move up the church ranks it is happening. You may be pastors, workers in the church or just people who because of no fault of your own are feeling restricted and frustrated because you cant be the “real” you. There is hope. In my case God got me out of the system. In your case God will have a way. You need to be brave and be prepared to change even if it might cost you. As I’m changing back to what God intended me to be and how he made me when I was born I cannot believe the opportunities that are coming my way. I am meeting people, have people call me, email me, asking me for advise. To be honest it is good but overwhelming. I say to people “I cannot believe what is happening. I am doing nothing and all these doors are opening.”

I know it will happen for you. I am certain of it. Am I ashamed at what I became? Yes I am and there were consequences. Am I happy with becoming myself again? I am over the moon. God is restoring me and he wants to do that to you too. Your past, your churches, your upbringing and people have had an enormous impact of taking away who you really are. Get back what was taken from you and allow God to restore you to your “real” self. He is doing it with me and I feel a new person. Join the journey!!!!